A little of the raw truth of me.

Our first twin outfit!! I was so excited to get this.  We have a couple of double outfits for them but this is our first real twin outfit.  I cant wait to put the girls into this.  I also LLOVEE the bottom part of this, its like having shorts on but not.  These lovely outfits came from Steve and Chaz Foy.  People we have come to call family.

So I was thinking lately of friends and family.  Ethan has a lot of friends, friends that is so close that you'd think they grew up together since kinder.  Friends that he calls family.  He gets called often from his friends and every once in awhile they go hang out.  (honestly I thought that some of these friends would be over our house 24/7 but I guess the distance is far to them and I guess the Texan in me doesnt see it that way.)  You really dont understand that saying until you experience it..EVERYTHING IN TEXAS IS BIGGER!!(so distance isnt a huge thing to us Texans)  A lot of the times E gets called to come help with things too.  I miss my friends/family.  Ok well not exactly friends.  Why..because I do not have any.  Well I have my FB friends what I call my "talk to friends" but none that I'd call or hang out with.  Not that I wouldnt do that, its just none of my "talk to friends" and I ever got farther in a friendship then just that.  But I had my sisters.  I miss our bake/craft days.  Altho I can say its been a couple years since we were really able to do those. Except for Holidays we would bake up a storm.  I can say that not having friends is my fault.  Its one of those things where you were burned to many times to want to put yourself out there again.  Sadly I have had a total of 3 best friends.  One of which A.H. she was a wonderful friend we did everything together and she was the one to really open me up out of my shell.  We did the whole boy crazy stage together.  When she didnt have a bf  we would go to the mall and scout!  Well after a couple of years of our friendship, in away I guess I matured and she was still boy crazy.  She was a wonderful best friend and a terrible person to be in a relationship with.  What ended our friendship was she was in a serious relationship with someone (that lived out of town) and was dating my bf best friend.  And he happen to be my friend too.  I didnt want him to be hurt.  So I told him the truth.  Which made her mad I told him and he ended up being mad that I didnt let him figure it out for himself.  After that our friendship started to die.  My next BFF A.O.  Well we were just as much if not more best friends then my previous bff but as girls we had our girl fights and she ended up moving and living with her mom.  Although she is totally more then a talk to friend the distance closed our friendship to something smaller.  My last BFF.  I never saw her coming to being my friend. SA well she and I talked on AIM all the time.  And we pretty much used each other to go to lunch with bc we ended up having no one else to go to lunch with (during high school).  After school ended I ended up having some random guy show up at my house (my then bf friend, my bf was in the marines so he wasnt there) and I couldnt get him to go home!  She jumped in a car and told him she had an emergency and needed me!  After that we hung out 24/7.  We quickly became really close and experienced a lot of happy,sad, and crazy moments together.  That lasted 1-2 years.  She desperately wanted to branch out on her own and move into an apartment.  I wanted to move in with her but I knew that I couldnt afford that life.  I remember helping her move into her apartment and after that we never saw each other.  She had told one of our friends that she didnt want to hang out with me anymore because we didnt have anything in common anymore.  I confronted her and she admitted it.  I was so hurt.  

So I stopped having friends.  The last friendship stung me the most.  E asked me how long ago this was...It blew me away realize this was 10 years ago.  I know I need to let it go.  But its hard to when you let someone see who you are the real you and they dont want to be friends anymore because you dont have anything in common.  I know I had not changed and she had.  

Its hard to describe the type of person that I am.  Sometimes I dont feel like talking.  Sometimes I just want to sit there and watch and listen.  I definitely second guess my thoughts that I want to share out loud that sometimes I dont say anything at all.  I am definitely an over thinker.  People say im shy or some people say I give off the vibe that I am to good to talk to you (not the case people!)  I have no problem giving my opinion when I am asked directly.  I am not afraid or intimidated to talk.  My problem is I think to much.  If I am sitting in a room with ppl talking I think about the subject of topic.  I think about what I wanna say to it and then I think about how it may effect those in the room.  Would they get offended if I say it a certain way and then I think of how I could say it without being rude.  Or I think about saying something and think thats stupid I wont say that.  Then there are times I just listen to know that person to know there interests the way they respond to things.  I do that so that when I am sure of myself around then I then know what is ok to say and what type of things to talk about and what to stay away from.  A lot of times I am thinking these things and when I finally come up with something to respond to the topic has moved on!

However, once I know you and Im completely comfortable around you, I dont think I just say.  But who knows how long it takes for that to happen. I am best when im not in a crowd of ppl.  Getting to know more then one person at once its hard Ill stay to myself forever.  I dont think I will ever have a best friend again.   Its not that I dont want one.  I desperately do.  Sadly if I ever do its going to have to be someone that doesnt give up and keeps pushing me to be who I am.  Which the last person to do so is my Prince Charming.  

You know that some say you need to be best friends with your true love/soul mate.  Well for me that is completely true.  At the time I couldnt let him into my heart.  I was to damage and it was at a point where I couldnt let someone pick the pieces and put it back together.  I need to get that part started before that special someone (Ethan) could come anywhere near that point of fixing my heart.  What I need was a friend.  Someone that I could talk to and didnt expect any answers or responses.  He would say things that didnt need a response, what he did was tell me his thoughts about a certain subject and then ask me what I would do or what I thought.  (he put himself out there not knowing if it would offend me or I would share the same thoughts he made himself vulnerable) He is my perfect.  I became one of those novels you read where the girl and the guy are best friends and the girl doesnt realize she is inlove with the guy.  One day I realized he broke my walls and I loved him and I was scared.  I was scared I couldnt have him.  He lived in Florida and I was in Texas.  I didnt see how we would ever have worked.  He is my rock.  He never gave up on us he still wont.

I will say that some people cant say this.  I have had a best friend since the beginning.  I have a best friend that I can yell at say some of the most hurtful things too(the truth, it sometimes hurts) someone that gets me.  My best friend that will never walk away because she cant!  My sisters.  They are my best friends that everyone wished they had.  They are all I need.  If I never have another BFF again it doesnt matter.  I have my Prince Charming and I have my sisters.