I decided I felt sorry for the few guys I talked/text or even dated while I was on the road to divorce with Justin. In all honesty I should have never dated or talked to anyone right after he left us. But I also told myself I'll be damned if I sit around feeling sorry for myself or letting him think that him leaving that I couldnt have moved on without him.
Im sorry to those that end up reading this that were one of those guys. I may have wanted to date or move on but I was no where ready for it.
Ill admit I had several guys I text throughout all those months. I can say 90% of them I never actually left my house with our went out on dates with. But I loved the attention I got and it was such a distraction. With all my distractions you were lucky to be one of the guys if I actually talked on the phone with you. For many reason. I could be myself in a text or fb message but to admit it out loud was a hard thing for me to do. At least with a text it wouldnt be a big deal to see the response but thinking about having to hear it was scary for me. I was to afraid to hear if all the bad things about myself would be accepted. And if you didnt want to text then I didnt have anything to really do with you.
There was this one boy..however. He hated to text and never gave up trying to call me. I'd say after 10-20 times of calling I'd answer about 1 time. But each time was reassuring. But no matter what in my eyes there would never be an us. This boy of mine was someone I grew up knowing. He dated all of those girls that you wished you were. He may have been a crush of mine but never did I ever think he would look at me in that way. So I still saw it that way. Plus I had been in one of those long distant relationship before and it didnt end well. I didnt want to take a chance at a long distant relationship when I was still hurting from the end of a marriage.
So I would forever only see (obviously not) us as only friends. Which was safe for me. When I would answer the phone to him hours would go by. Mostly it would be him who would talk. He has such stories to tell of the things he has done or been through. Eventually he would get me to tell more about the things I've been through. Which I thought would be hard but it wasnt. I was safe. It didnt matter what he thought about all the bad things about me. It didnt matter bc we were only ever going to be friends. I thought almost every girl has a best guy friend and he'd be mine. I ended up telling him everything. Even things I knew inside but couldnt admit to myself out loud or even things I wouldnt say to my own family ( I was to afraid to hear them say I was stupid for missing Justin and how he doesnt care) I'd tell him those things and instead of hearing what I was afraid of hearing he would tell me : of course you do, you have 2 kids with him you were in a relationship with him for nearly 8 years I dont expect any less.
Every girl (I assume) has this wall that they build and I'd never let anyone in. It was always going to be this way. Then, I started answer the phone to him all the time everyday, every night. I was beginning to think that this was amazing. Having a best friend as a guy and wondering why I never had one before.
I told him that I could only be friends, I told him about the guys I dated. I even tried to get him to talk about girls he liked or wanted to date. But I soon realized that to him I was just as pretty as any of those girls he dated and distance meant nothing to him. I soon saw that he loved me. At first I panicked. But just as soon as I panicked I realized I was just as much in love with him. I couldnt see myself without him. I couldnt see a night I'd fall asleep without listening to him on the phone each night.
It was then that he taught me something about relationships. Being in a relationship with your best friend is one of the ways to have a lasting relationship. Look for friendship instead of a relationship. Be you. Show all of you. The bad and the good. Not to be afraid to show the bad because if they are the "one" then it will be them that helps you be better. Never let that person change who they are and accept all of them for who they are.
Days will come and go. Great times and hard times. There will be many days where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. BUT for me those days will be ok. Why..bc it maybe dark but he'll be holding my hand all along the way.
So ya in case you didnt guess I married that boy. He gave me his last name. He became the father figure to my 2 older kids and I got to give him a few more!
