the last few days

I know I am lucky I havent lost many loved ones in my life, but the ones I have were the most important people in my life.  I am glad I havent experienced many, which means I have grown up and still have many wonderful people through out my life.  SO I dont have many missing pieces that need to be filled.

Finally starting to feel better about the girls.  Its scary when they cant seem to get enough air in there lungs and they arch there backs and I cant get them to suck air in fast enough or comfort them enough and it wares them out!  Gemma was getting worse then Skyler. Athough it started to happen to Skyler first Gemma's spells were a lot worse.  She seems to be a Daddys girl already.  When Daddy is home he can comfort her when its just me the breathing issue last longer.  So Friday we had another Doctor visit.  We have medicine for both girls now and another doctor looking into there issue.  I am so thankful I have been alert and there for them when there are going through the cant breathing spell and not in another room or outside.  I am hoping I never have them both doing it at the same time and im without their Daddy.  They are growing soo quickly and I have to admit that Gemma is now starting to look more and more like her sister!

This last weekend.  Nothing was planned and I kept waiting to hear E tell me he was gonna go fishing or go hang with the guys.  Instead I woke up to him rearranging the house.  We spent most of the day cleaning and moving things to making the house seem more open and inviting.  We also had one of his brothers stop by.  First time they saw the girls.

Sunday we went to the Flea Market.  My very first time.  Some of the things there looked like a garage sell type and others looks like ppl went and bought things that were at the end of season and got it for very very cheap and try to sell in there.  Pretty cool and interesting.  We went with E other brother and his husband.  After the Market they took the kids to get a costume and E and I went home to fry up some squash to go with our pulled pork lunch that we enjoyed the company of Warren and Harold.  I however crashed out shortly when they went to find Ryu's costume.

Yesterday was just as fun!  We went to eat at E moms house for Pumpkin Meat loaf.  We actually had a lot of pumpkin to our meal.  We had a salad with pumpkin seeds and Harold brought over a delicious pumpkin cake!  We did the pumpkin meat loaf last year in Midland and its definitely something I wanna do every year!  (this tradition comes from E's family) after we had our awesome dinner, we carved pumpkins.  Such a fun night!! 
(altho I didnt grab a picture of the meat loaf this picture below is off google looks very similar to the one we had last night)

My Daddy

I am sad that I do not remember what it was like for my dad to live with us.  For me all I remember was our weekend visits. It was shortly after Heather was born that my mom and dad separated (so around age 3 for me)

My Dad was a truck driver.  We lived in Midland and he lived in Odessa.  My mom would either meet him at a truck stop or he would come get us from Midland.  We girls would always fight who got to sit in the front seat with him, we eventually took turns each weekend.  We had a routine.  On the weekends we spent with him each Friday we would go to Walmart.  My Dad had been gone from his house so he wouldnt have food.  So we would get food from the store.  Ever Friday we would eat the same meal.  He'd get a roasted chicken and french bread and we would watch X-files.  After watching our "show" we would stay up listening to our dad tell us stories that we all desperately tried to stay up to listen to, but would fall asleep to our dad's voice.  Now looking back sometimes I wonder if the stories were real or away to teach us life lessons.  One of the stories my daddy told us was that we were a pack of wolves and in the pack of wolves they stick together and how we all need to stick together.  Or he told me that I was the owl of the family.  That owls sit and observe and know all secrets and that I need to learn to keep others secrets.

Going to my dad's house on the weekends were such cherished memories and something we looked forward too.  I feel bad for my little sister because she doesnt remember any of those times.  We stopped getting to see our dad when we were around 8-9.  The reasoning behind that is a story I wont share.  But know that my dad and mom would have kept up the weekend visits.  We tried to go see our dad once a year on Thanksgiving if he wasnt out hauling pipe.  We would beg our mom to let us take a plate of our thanksgiving feast to him.  Sometimes not very often I am not even sure it was every year, my dad would call the house.  And he would talk to us girls like nothing had changed it was him giving us advise about things.  Sometimes it seemed like some how when he called it would be the right time when we needed to hear his voice or get the advise he gave.

The last memory of our dad was him taking us girls to dinner at the Olive Garden.  I think my dad was the owl on this visit.  He sat there and listen to all of our chatters.  I miss those nights where we would stay up just to listen to his stories.

The year my dad died.  I kept having dreams that we wouldnt know he had passed away and would find out in a newspaper.  One night I got a call from my Aunt.  I remember saying out loud something is wrong my aunt wouldnt call this late.  Thats when she told me she had been on the phone with my mom and that someone was beeping on her other line.  It had been my dad's sister.  My dad lived on his brothers property and he hadnt seen my dad in a few days and found him.  We dont know why or how he died.  Other then he looked to have been asleep.  By the time we found out that an autopsy wasnt going to be done by the city it was to late for us to have one done.  We thought it had been related to a fall.  My dad had been on workers comp due to a fall he had.  He was climbing his later up to his cab and slipped and hit his head.  He didnt have any life insurance and if we could have proved his death was from that fall, his work had life insurance but since the brain is the first to go all we would have gotten from an autopsy is "it could be but I cant say for certain" So it was up to his daughters and our mom to pull together funds for the funeral.  However his boss covered the funeral expenses for him  (one of the nicest things to have been blessed upon us girls)

My daddy.  One of the things I miss the most is sometimes to make us laugh.  He'd say rink a dink a doo and wiggling his finger to touch our noses.  

This is my daddy fast asleep while my twinky and I play right beside him.

I have to touch on my Husband's dad.  I met him but I didnt really know him.  He was one of my Sunday school teachers.  But he was the world to Ethan.  I have heard so many great stories and adventures he and Ethan had together.  From all the stories I have heard I wished I had had something close to that growing up.  He'd make something out of nothing. E misses the jokes and pranks he'd pull and his view on life and the world.  E says he misses his polish sandwiches and his nacho's. He misses working with him and going camping with him.  How he passed away is a story reserved just for E to tell. But one thing I can say is he hates the fact it was him that found him.  In a lot of ways it changed his whole life when his dad died.  The world lost someone amazing.  Below is a picture of E dad, his sister Kate and E wearing glasses like his dad. (already trying to be just like his daddy)

 

My Tia

My Aunt.  I am one of the few lucky people who can say I had the chance to have a special bond with my Aunt.  Her name...Ruthie.  Those that were close with her know her as fufi.  Ok well those of us that knew her as a baby couldnt say Ruthie we said fufi.  Even when we knew how to say her  name she was still fufi.  She was my second mother.  She was a grandma to my children.

I dont like talking on the phone.  I am a text type of person.  I can express myself in the written form so much better.  There are really only two people im good with having a conversation about nothing with. That is my sister Stacey and Ruthie.   See she lived 24 hours away from me.  I lived in Texas she lived in California.  So we had to call to talk to each other.  When we didnt have much money and there wasnt any specials on the whole long distant calling we had to limit our calls to once a week every Sunday.  But that all changed and I talked to her everyday hour or two would go by and we were still talking away.  Who knows really what are conversations were about we could easily talk to each other.  If I didnt know something she would.

She told me that my mom came to live with her when I was about 6 months old.  And that she would help my mom get me in the middle of the night.  Ever since then I would go see each every year every summer until she passed away.  There are soo many things that she taught me.  Part of my personality I got from her.  She had a room we all called the work room.  Its where we learned to make crafts and sew. She was the one who really got us to go to church.  During the summers we would make all sorts of crafts.  Anything you needed to make a craft with she had in her work room.

Honestly one post couldnt not be enough to tell the person she was to me.  I was going through such a hard emotion time in 2010.  Well towards the end.  Which was towards the end of her days.  We didnt know it.  I went to see her during an unusual time frame from Aug- Oct.  Towards the end of my stay there she started to lose her vision in one of her eyes.  I remember her worrying that if she lost her vision in one of her eyes she wouldnt be able to drive.  That thought was so depressing for her.  She went to the eye dr and they didnt know what was going on.  She started to go see the eye dr every week because it was so unusual she got second opinions and more opinions and they couldnt figure out what it was.  It got so bad that she ended up in the hospital.  But we still talked everyday.  I knew she was gonna be ok and they'd get her better.  I remember even talking to her in the hospital.  They thought it was the west nile at first. But in the end it was cancer that took her from us.  She had gotten her check ups to see if it had come back and the tests came back negative, they did spinal taps and still couldnt figure it out.  Some how they figured it out to late.  The cancer had gone to her brain.  I keep thinking how could I have not figured that out.  I mean her eye brain...well I wasnt the only one the Dr didnt know either and at the point of finding out she was so weak she couldnt take the treatment.  My mom had gone to be with her for a short time before she passed. She told my mom (her being so weak she was in and out of consciousness and sometimes talking in a daze or a dream state) but she had told my mom to tell the girls to pray for each other because each of us were dealing with something we had not told each other.

She was right.  I was dealing with something.  Something it took me awhile to tell my family.  My then Husband had asked me for a divorce.  I couldnt tell anyone.  I am the type of person that doesnt like to show my pain or much emotion.  I hate burdening people.  And it was the worst time to tell anyone.  Everyone was dealing with such a hardship of Ruthie in the hospital to her passing away that alone was devastating.  I do have to clearify this post isnt about Justin.  But I was in no way at fault.  He had been in training for the National Guards.  Lets just say he came home from christmas with another womens name tattoo to his arm.  I also just want to state that I still tried to keep our marriage together.  In the end it was out of my hands.  Back on track here..I find it amazing that through so much pain she still knew that we needed her and told my mom to tell us to pray for each other.  My mom told us all this after she had passed.  Just hearing that brought so much love to me after she was gone.

Those of us that she has touched have forever been changed.  Our life isnt whole anymore.  When I close my eyes the memories I have come flooding flooding back to me.  I see us as my children's age sleeping on her sleeper sofa and she is reading to us stories.  I see us asking her to build us a fort and she make this amazing fort in her living room for us.  I see us sneaking in her room and her opening her arm up for us to crawl in bed beside her, and my aunt Steffie come to bring us all breakfast in bed. I see us going outside to water her flowers and her garden we all loved.  I see her playing her bagpipes or the drum marching down the street.  I see her taking us to the county fair every summer.  I see us dancing in her house.  This is me hugging Ruthie and my sister singing into the broom (what u cant see is her pup is chasing the broom, he had his own broom too)

The people that are gone

Late at night I always go over the things that I did that day its away I fall asleep.  I thought of all the things I wanted to blog about and most times by morning I forget..lol  I also thought that this blog is for a lot of people to get to know who I am and for my family that isnt close to where I live.  Some of which do not know of the people who arent in my life anymore.  So I decided that the next few days I'd write about those people.

I do not have any grandparents.  I didnt get the privilege of knowing what it was like having me a Grandma and Papa.  When I talk about them I tend to say My mom's mom instead of Grandma.  I feel bad but I dont know her as a grandma.  My mom's mom passed away before I was born and my Grandpa died shortly after I was born.  Well I dunno how old I was but it was before Heather was born so before I was 3.  I have no memory of him but my mama happened to have a picture of us girls with him.  Below is a picture of my moms dad, Stacey, me, and Jamie

On my dads side of the family, his dad passed away before my mom and him even married.  His mom, I met once.  She didnt want to have anything to do with us girls since we have a Mexican background.

My children.  Well they have grandparents.  But my children never got the chance to meet my dad.  Or my Husband's dad.  But we both have step dads that get to be apart of their

life.  I am glad that they are getting the chance to know what its like to have a love for grandparents.  Its something I will never get the chance to have or even understand what its like to love a grandparent. This below is a picture of my daddy, me, Heather, Jamie and Stacey 

And this is my Husband his brothers his sister and his dad

I do have to touch that I did get a chance to start to love my ex husbands granny and papa.  I will forever cherish the days in Llano with them.  I learned a lot from them.  The kind of things that you would think you would learn from a grandparent. His granny taught me somethings I didnt know how to do with crocheting and she told me some recipes that I use a lot in my kitchen.  I learned a lot from Papa too.  I miss hearing him play on the guitar.  I miss sitting outside on the porch.  I will always consider them grandparents to myself as well as to the big kids even if im not married to this family anymore.  I hope one day I will get the chance to sit outside that porch again.

This is Granny and Papa.  (I stole this pic off granny profile, I dont have any picture of Papa on the computer all hard copies and this one is perfect since it has them both)

When im older..

One of the things I hope to happen when Im older, my kids are married, even maybe with some grandchildren I hope to hear  (even tho I may not) the kids say my mama made the best _____ and I need or you need to make them.  I have heard this a few times from my hubs.  Of course his mother has some of the best recipes and as long as I have the recipes I can come pretty close to copying them.  Plus with pinterest I have come to find a few favorites  (all in the dessert area) plus I have a few others that I know are some favorites that I have made for year without pinterest!  But I hope that my kiddos will love the things I make and have there favorites and ask me to make them even when they arent living with us anymore.

Tonight my kids ate there dinner and in our house if you eat all your dinner you get a treat and we happen to be all out of sweets.  I told my kiddo that he could have a sweet since he ate all his dinner without complaints and did his homework good.  So of course when he asked me again I looked around our cabinets and thought what am I gonna give him!  Last night I knew we were out of sweets so I made him so snicker doodles to have for lunch and those were already gone except I made sure to hide one more days of sweets for his lunch.  So I told Ryu lets look and see what we can make. My aunt sent me some chocolate chips to bake with and I forgot I had them in the fridge.  Well they happen to be Reese's chocolate chips and they had a fabulous recipe on the back.  So Ryu and Hailey helped poured things into the bowels and while they backed I had Ryu, Hailey and Clara walking in circles awaiting these babies to be done cooking!  Now these are some good cookies definitely a keeper recipe.  

Now my sweet loves are all tucked in bed and fast asleep.  While I am finishing up baking the rest of the cookies.  Also the tooth fairy will visit Ryu again.  He lost his 5th tooth at school today.  I am sure it wont be long when he loses another!  

Fun Weekend

We had such a great weekend.  On Saturday we went to a pumpkin patch, well more like a city patch!  Not exactly like a Texas one.  Kids had fun though.  We went with some friends and they bought the kiddos a pumpkin and everyone a Voodoo doll!  They are pretty neat too.  Afterwards we came back to our house and I made us an apple pie that we chowed down on while the kiddos ran around and played for awhile.

Sunday we went to my BIL house.  The kids have been asking to go back there for a good while and we finally made plans to do so.  We all got into the pool.  Clara had sooo much fun on the pool, I think she'll be a natural at swimming .  Then we had a wonderful dinner with them plus GiGi and Poppy came too.  We had another fun family day.

Yesterday was a school holiday.  Not much happened yesterday we ran around the first part of the day getting things turned in and getting the twins birth certificates. Plus I got me in a mini nap and ended the day with reading stories to the kiddos.  After they all were tucked away in bed I made some mini apple pies.  

For some reason Clara just loves to stay up with her Daddy.  She was all smiles.  Then again when is she not!

Well I may not post as many pictures because I mostly spoil the fun and post them on FB.  I sure wished I could have gotten a pic of Clara swimming tho bc since I was in the pool too that didnt happen lol. 

another day

I may not know everything..well in that sense I have 5 children and I am still learning things.  Especially with the twins.  I mean honestly twins to me arent any different from one baby its just taking care of 2 of them at once.  With the girls I am learning a lot of things with them, that has nothing to do with them being twins.  But with them being twins its said what one does the other will follow.  Gemma started having trouble getting air in her lungs today.  So its true what one does the other follows.  I started doing her on the rice cereal to see if this helps.  I am eager to start the medicine on Skyler to see what effects it has and to go back to the Doctors to see what else he suggests.  Its scary seeing the girls go through this.  Plus I never had a baby that was gassy, in the sense that it hurts.  Plus on top of all this I am trying to keep the girls up for an hour every feeding.  It is more difficult to do that with 2.  Just because I want to do other things in the house or im just tired and want to catch a few zzzzZzz's.  I look forward to a full sleep but that still looks like a distant future.

I am trying to keep up with all the words Clara knows already.  She knows how to say "no", "stop", "look", "dada", "mama" she knows a few other words too but she doesnt always say them so I dont count those just yet.  Plus she babble alot and I havent put two and two together just yet on what she is actually saying.

Then there is my Ryu.  Well it seems that I will have a struggle with one of my children at one given time thankfully its not all at once!  One day he seems as sweet as can be and the next full of attitude.  Saying things I have no idea where he picked it up from and then just being mean to his sister (Hailey) to them getting along and playing great.  Plus for FL he is behind and we are doing what we can to get him up to speed.  He is already picking it up quickly I just hope that we are doing all we can to help him.

I am just glad I am not doing this alone. So grateful to have a lovely supportive husband and father to our children.

I also have been feeling more myself with cleaning and moving around so much better.  I have been trying to work on our back two bedroom areas that are full of things from our stuff and the stuff that was still in the house before we moved in.  Plus im supa happy that we were able to get us a mop today.  Gah I was getting really tired of seeing us with black feet at the end of the night...haha

Baby Girl to Toddler!

How many children did you see yourself having?  Well growing up I saw myself with 3 children.  But With my first marriage after having Hailey I was happy with my two.  I had to have at least 2.  I could not just stop with 1.  I have grown up with an amazing relationship with my sisters.  We were there for each other when no one else.  I wanted my children to have a special relationship like I had with there siblings.  Although I wasnt sure how close my children would be with each other being boy/girl.  

But  I also knew that my marriage wouldnt last, thats why I never got my tubes tied.  Not that I didnt try to keep it together, I just couldnt see Justin and I growing old together.  AND then there was the moment Ethan and mine relationship got serious.  I saw us old together.  Also in the early stages I had this dream of holding a baby shower invitation for a little girl and that baby invitation was ours.  SO I knew we would have us a little girl.

I wont forget the day we had Clara.  We dropped Ryu and Hailey off at my moms and went to sonic to get me a strawberry lime slush. And then our truck made some interesting sounds.  We were going to go to HEB to fill our fridge since we'd be busy for a few days with having our baby girl home.  But that didnt happen.  We drove home and then the shifter broke.  E and Kelby worked on the truck.  They got it together after 2 hours and well it was to late to go anywhere I was tired and ready for bed!  After E got into bed I was just about to drift off to sleep when I got a big nice painful contraction.  Thankfully it only lasted 60 seconds.  So It then took me almost an hour to get to the point of drifting off to sleep again and then I got hit with another contraction.  I thought man im not gonna be able to fall asleep.  So I got up let my sweet Hubs sleep and surfaced the channels to find something good to watch.  After another hour went by I got another contraction.  I thought I need to write this down so I know what to tell the hospital.  I started to get then every hour for 60 seconds and then it started to to be less then an hour and every 30 min to every 20 minutes by the time we left.  I couldnt walk thru the doors of the hospital very good I'd have to stop and tell myself to breathe through the contractions.  Finally made it upstairs and hooked up to the heart monitor.

The nurses said at this point I was there was no need to start the induction medicine.  I was already dilated to a 7.  I was all for the epidural.  But I was told I couldnt have one until my blood work came in.  I was there less then 2 hours before we had her.  I didnt get my epidural.  I just remember E saying he was going to get the nurse bc I was hurting so bad and the nurse started to panic because she couldnt get the heart beat on the monitor and called another nurse in and once they got it, being in so much pain she checked me again and announced WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!

There was no time for the doctor, my water broke and then her head was out and the nurse didnt have her other glove on.  (she did get it on before clara was born) and one push and she was born!

Now a year later I have the sweetest baby girl.  That is now a toddler!  She is the happiest girl such a smarter pants.  I love her to pieces.  Such a daddies girl too.  At the end of the day all the kids are tucked in bed...Except Clara she is tucked away in her daddys arms for a little longer.  I still get a surprise when im in the kitchen doing the dishes or cooking and I feel these arms wrap around my leg and I look down and its my Clara. 

Plus as we all know I couldnt just stop at having just Clara so my future thoughts of just 3 children turned to 5.

Growing Children to an amazing Husband/Father

We took the twins to there 1 month check up. Both are doing fabulous.  Gaining weight.  Skyler is 7lb 2 oz and Gemma is 6 lb 12 oz., both 20 inches long.  Clara is 18 lb and 30 inches long!  Hailey is 31 lb and 39 inches tall.  Ryu is 53 lb and 47 1/2 inches tall.  My sweet little loves are certainly growing!!  

Skyler is of our most concerned of the two.  She has had 3 episodes now of where she stops breathing.  One of which was actually on our way to the Doctors.  The Doctor seems to think it is a reflux issue.  She has enough air in her lungs to yelp and that is it.  She cant get air into her lungs and arches her back turns from red to purple and her eyes bulge out.  It is such a scary experience.  But thankfully I have been right there to get her to breathe again.  So we are getting a prescription to help and we are now adding a teaspoon of rice cereal to every 2 oz of formula (per Doctors orders) and we will see the Doctor again in 10 days.  I am just happy we have survived each day and have come a long way with the girls.  The hardest thing about having twins is how much longer it takes to do everything!  Now I cant say for sure if its because of twins or just how many kids we now have!

I am reminded each day of how lucky how blessed I am to have Ethan in my life.  I cant even begin to explain what he does for me.  He can easily bring a smile to my face.  He is such an amazing father to our children.  Most nights it is him that sits down with Ryu to work on his homework.  Such an important thing and something Ryu will grow up remembering how it was him that took the time to help him.  I find it funny that I can try to help Ryu with homework but he doesnt seem to understand my way of helping that it ends up being Ethan that gets through to him.  You wouldnt believe it was Ethan that helps him learn over me, but it is!  It is Ethan that goes to his school and request the parent teacher conference.  I wished Ethan could have come sooner in the kids lives.  I am so glad that our children have him in there life.  They big kids desperately needed a male figure in there life.

Ryu and Hailey, well there daddy isnt in there life.  We get a phone call from him maybe once a month sometimes its longer.  When we were in Midland they saw him for 2-5 minutes tops maybe every other month.  My divorce with him will have been a year in less then a month, But he has been out of the picture long before that.  I havent received any financial help from him since the day he decided to leave.   Ethan has financially support them.  But im not trying to bash on the kiddos dad.  Justin has had some personal struggle.  (that may be part of the reason he left us, I can say that his reasoning his thoughts were wrong in leaving, and I can say that I am at peace with myself at trying my hardest to keep our marriage together, but it comes to a point where when you are the only one trying you have to let go)  Justin has had some difficult time finding the path he needs to get on and get his life in order to be a better person.  The reason of this paragraph isnt to down there dad its to show the lack of him being there for them and how Ethan has picked up more then his share and is more then a step dad to the kids.

I have an amazing husband, wonderful children.  I couldnt be happier.  We could be surrounded by struggles in our life but when all said and done at the end of the day I still have Ethan beside me and children that put a smile on our faces.  What more could any person want!

A walk home from school

Short post for today.  I am pooped!  Ok so everyone pretty much knows that we have 1 vehicle and the Hubs has a bike.  That it self can be a issue for us. Ryu's school isnt very far but what if it rains!  I cant walk in the rain with 5 kids.  The Hubs cant ride his bike in the rain (to a point he can but if its pouring..)  Plus his bike isnt really meant for the drive he does everyday its more of a once in awhile show off type of bike.  The problem is if it rains then he has to take off early.  If i have or the kids have a Dr appointment he has to take off. (I have no clue how to drive around here or where anything is and well if you know me its a little overwhelming to drive in unknown territory) So it is a stinker if he has to leave early or take off because then that means less hours and less work getting done at his job which makes his boss not that happy.  We are trying to keep it where I walk every other day but the weather hasnt allowed that and we have had a few appointments to do.  I am trying to walk as much as I can so he doesnt have to take off.  So today is one of those days!  Here is a few pictures of todays walk.  Skyler is in the sling that GiGi bought for Clara. (I never really needed it with Clara but it sure is being used now!) I tried letting Hailey push Clara in her own stroller..but Hailey is such a girl and doesnt pay attention to anything so it took us a little longer getting there then I liked so today we tried with one stroller and a sling!

A little of the raw truth of me.

Our first twin outfit!! I was so excited to get this.  We have a couple of double outfits for them but this is our first real twin outfit.  I cant wait to put the girls into this.  I also LLOVEE the bottom part of this, its like having shorts on but not.  These lovely outfits came from Steve and Chaz Foy.  People we have come to call family.

So I was thinking lately of friends and family.  Ethan has a lot of friends, friends that is so close that you'd think they grew up together since kinder.  Friends that he calls family.  He gets called often from his friends and every once in awhile they go hang out.  (honestly I thought that some of these friends would be over our house 24/7 but I guess the distance is far to them and I guess the Texan in me doesnt see it that way.)  You really dont understand that saying until you experience it..EVERYTHING IN TEXAS IS BIGGER!!(so distance isnt a huge thing to us Texans)  A lot of the times E gets called to come help with things too.  I miss my friends/family.  Ok well not exactly friends.  Why..because I do not have any.  Well I have my FB friends what I call my "talk to friends" but none that I'd call or hang out with.  Not that I wouldnt do that, its just none of my "talk to friends" and I ever got farther in a friendship then just that.  But I had my sisters.  I miss our bake/craft days.  Altho I can say its been a couple years since we were really able to do those. Except for Holidays we would bake up a storm.  I can say that not having friends is my fault.  Its one of those things where you were burned to many times to want to put yourself out there again.  Sadly I have had a total of 3 best friends.  One of which A.H. she was a wonderful friend we did everything together and she was the one to really open me up out of my shell.  We did the whole boy crazy stage together.  When she didnt have a bf  we would go to the mall and scout!  Well after a couple of years of our friendship, in away I guess I matured and she was still boy crazy.  She was a wonderful best friend and a terrible person to be in a relationship with.  What ended our friendship was she was in a serious relationship with someone (that lived out of town) and was dating my bf best friend.  And he happen to be my friend too.  I didnt want him to be hurt.  So I told him the truth.  Which made her mad I told him and he ended up being mad that I didnt let him figure it out for himself.  After that our friendship started to die.  My next BFF A.O.  Well we were just as much if not more best friends then my previous bff but as girls we had our girl fights and she ended up moving and living with her mom.  Although she is totally more then a talk to friend the distance closed our friendship to something smaller.  My last BFF.  I never saw her coming to being my friend. SA well she and I talked on AIM all the time.  And we pretty much used each other to go to lunch with bc we ended up having no one else to go to lunch with (during high school).  After school ended I ended up having some random guy show up at my house (my then bf friend, my bf was in the marines so he wasnt there) and I couldnt get him to go home!  She jumped in a car and told him she had an emergency and needed me!  After that we hung out 24/7.  We quickly became really close and experienced a lot of happy,sad, and crazy moments together.  That lasted 1-2 years.  She desperately wanted to branch out on her own and move into an apartment.  I wanted to move in with her but I knew that I couldnt afford that life.  I remember helping her move into her apartment and after that we never saw each other.  She had told one of our friends that she didnt want to hang out with me anymore because we didnt have anything in common anymore.  I confronted her and she admitted it.  I was so hurt.  

So I stopped having friends.  The last friendship stung me the most.  E asked me how long ago this was...It blew me away realize this was 10 years ago.  I know I need to let it go.  But its hard to when you let someone see who you are the real you and they dont want to be friends anymore because you dont have anything in common.  I know I had not changed and she had.  

Its hard to describe the type of person that I am.  Sometimes I dont feel like talking.  Sometimes I just want to sit there and watch and listen.  I definitely second guess my thoughts that I want to share out loud that sometimes I dont say anything at all.  I am definitely an over thinker.  People say im shy or some people say I give off the vibe that I am to good to talk to you (not the case people!)  I have no problem giving my opinion when I am asked directly.  I am not afraid or intimidated to talk.  My problem is I think to much.  If I am sitting in a room with ppl talking I think about the subject of topic.  I think about what I wanna say to it and then I think about how it may effect those in the room.  Would they get offended if I say it a certain way and then I think of how I could say it without being rude.  Or I think about saying something and think thats stupid I wont say that.  Then there are times I just listen to know that person to know there interests the way they respond to things.  I do that so that when I am sure of myself around then I then know what is ok to say and what type of things to talk about and what to stay away from.  A lot of times I am thinking these things and when I finally come up with something to respond to the topic has moved on!

However, once I know you and Im completely comfortable around you, I dont think I just say.  But who knows how long it takes for that to happen. I am best when im not in a crowd of ppl.  Getting to know more then one person at once its hard Ill stay to myself forever.  I dont think I will ever have a best friend again.   Its not that I dont want one.  I desperately do.  Sadly if I ever do its going to have to be someone that doesnt give up and keeps pushing me to be who I am.  Which the last person to do so is my Prince Charming.  

You know that some say you need to be best friends with your true love/soul mate.  Well for me that is completely true.  At the time I couldnt let him into my heart.  I was to damage and it was at a point where I couldnt let someone pick the pieces and put it back together.  I need to get that part started before that special someone (Ethan) could come anywhere near that point of fixing my heart.  What I need was a friend.  Someone that I could talk to and didnt expect any answers or responses.  He would say things that didnt need a response, what he did was tell me his thoughts about a certain subject and then ask me what I would do or what I thought.  (he put himself out there not knowing if it would offend me or I would share the same thoughts he made himself vulnerable) He is my perfect.  I became one of those novels you read where the girl and the guy are best friends and the girl doesnt realize she is inlove with the guy.  One day I realized he broke my walls and I loved him and I was scared.  I was scared I couldnt have him.  He lived in Florida and I was in Texas.  I didnt see how we would ever have worked.  He is my rock.  He never gave up on us he still wont.

I will say that some people cant say this.  I have had a best friend since the beginning.  I have a best friend that I can yell at say some of the most hurtful things too(the truth, it sometimes hurts) someone that gets me.  My best friend that will never walk away because she cant!  My sisters.  They are my best friends that everyone wished they had.  They are all I need.  If I never have another BFF again it doesnt matter.  I have my Prince Charming and I have my sisters.