crazy lady thoughts

Do you ever have those moments where your so tired you think you could sleep but then you end up laying in bed thinking of things..Yup having one of those moments.  And who knows how I ended up on this trail of thoughts.  But I thought Instead of saying all this in my head I should blog it.  

I decided I felt sorry for the few guys I talked/text or even dated while I was on the road to divorce with Justin.  In all honesty I should have never dated or talked to anyone right after he left us.  But I also told myself I'll be damned if I sit around feeling sorry for myself or letting him think that him leaving that I couldnt have moved on without him.

Im sorry to those that end up reading this that were one of those guys. I may have wanted to date or move on but I was no where ready for it.

Ill admit I had several guys I text throughout all those months.  I can say 90% of them I never actually left my house with our went out on dates with.  But I loved the attention I got and it was such a distraction.  With all my distractions you were lucky to be one of the guys if I actually talked on the phone with you.  For many reason.  I could be myself in a text or fb message but to admit it out loud was a hard thing for me to do.  At least with a text it wouldnt be a big deal to see the response but thinking about having to hear it was scary for me.  I was to afraid to hear if all the bad things about myself would be accepted.  And if you didnt want to text then I didnt have anything to really do with you.  

There was this one boy..however.  He hated to text and never gave up trying to call me.  I'd say after 10-20 times of calling I'd answer about 1 time.  But each time was reassuring.  But no matter what in my eyes there would never be an us.  This boy of mine was someone I grew up knowing.  He dated all of those girls that you wished you were.  He may have been a crush of mine but never did I ever think he would look at me in that way.  So I still saw it that way.  Plus I had been in one of those long distant relationship before and it didnt end well.  I didnt want to take a chance at a long distant relationship when I was still hurting from the end of a marriage.  

So I would forever only see (obviously not) us as only friends.  Which was safe for me.  When I would answer the phone to him hours would go by.  Mostly it would be him who would talk.  He has such stories to tell of the things he has done or been through.  Eventually he would get me to tell more about the things I've been through.  Which I thought would be hard but it wasnt.  I was safe.  It didnt matter what he thought about all the bad things about me.  It didnt matter bc we were only ever going to be friends.  I thought almost every girl has a best guy friend and he'd be mine.  I ended up telling him everything.  Even things I knew inside but couldnt admit to myself out loud or even things I wouldnt say to my own family ( I was to afraid to hear them say I was stupid for missing Justin and how he doesnt care) I'd tell him those things and instead of hearing what I was afraid of hearing he would tell me : of course you do, you have 2 kids with him you were in a relationship with him for nearly 8 years I dont expect any less.

Every girl (I assume) has this wall that they build and I'd never let anyone in.  It was always going to be this way.  Then, I started answer the phone to him all the time everyday, every night.  I was beginning to think that this was amazing.  Having a best friend as a guy and wondering why I never had one before.

I told him that I could only be friends, I told him about the guys I dated.  I even tried to get him to talk about girls he liked or wanted to date.  But I soon realized that to him I was just as pretty as any of those girls he dated and distance meant nothing to him.  I soon saw that he loved me.  At first I panicked.  But just as soon as I panicked I realized I was just as much in love with him.  I couldnt see myself without him.  I couldnt see a night I'd fall asleep without listening to him on the phone each night.

It was then that he taught me something about relationships.  Being in a relationship with your best friend is one of the ways to have a lasting relationship.  Look for friendship instead of a relationship.  Be you.  Show all of you.  The bad and the good.  Not to be afraid to show the bad because if they are the "one" then it will be them that helps you be better.  Never let that person change who they are and accept all of them for who they are.

Days will come and go.  Great times and hard times.  There will be many days where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  BUT for me those days will be ok.  Why..bc it maybe dark but he'll be holding my hand all along the way.

So ya in case you didnt guess I married that boy.  He gave me his last name.  He became the father figure to my 2 older kids and I got to give him a few more!

baking fun

Growing up my sister and I would usually have pita bread with butter just about each morning while we were visiting in California.  So I can never find them.  I decided well Ill just make them!  But I also decided I'd make them into a pizza too!

Turned out super yummy!  Such an easy thing to make too.

Then I decided that the kiddos are on such a snack fix that I needed to come up with some snacks.  So I've made Cheerio Crunch Mix and Marshmallow Cereal bars.

Fun days

We have had a great last few days!  On the 4th we went over to his Uncle's house and ate some tasty food and cake.  After that we went to watch fireworks.  They had a few vendors out there and of course they had kettle popcorn.  My newest addiction.  Ok all because of my mom, a couple years ago she helped put together an event that had kettle popcorn.    It was a memory in the making. I adored hearing Clara's squeels and wow's on the fireworks.  Hailey kept telling me the ones she liked the most and that were pretty.  Ryu was quiet and seemed zoned out into the fireworks!

Yesterday we again got to spend time with the Cluff's.  His Uncle took us to my first baseball game.  We took a bus to the game.  It was awesome!  Oh and I have to mention with my MIL out of town a friend of hers kept ALL 5 of our kiddos.  Thanks to her we were able to enjoy watching the Ray's.  We went to hang out with his cousin and his fiance for a few drinks before the game started and then I got to see what it was all about.  Much cooler in person.  I loved seeing how cool the team worked together.  It was unreal seeing how well they worked together as a team.  They were totally in-sink. They lost.  About half way through the game it seemed they just lost the will.  But it was still very neat to watch and have my handsome hunk explain it all to me.  It will be a night I cherish and never forget.

Skyler's quilt

I finished this one up a lot faster then I did Gemma's, but that maybe because I had already had all the pinks and blacks cut out!  Plus this one had no real pattern so I didnt have to make sure I was sewing it in the right order!  I also decided I wanted the flowers to be bigger.  I know that they already love them.  As I was sewing on the flowers Skyler came and started to play with it.  So did Gemma when I was making hers.  Clara even thinks these are hers.  Looks like I need to make her a newer one.  Bigger!  Like for a twin when she gets to be in a bigger bed.  I am so glad Gigi has these for me to make.  I loved keeping myself busy making these.  Plus I have an amazing Husband who went to JoAnn's a few times for me to get buttons for the flowers. Not many men will do that for his lady.  I am one lucky gal!

Here I am starting out with sewing the squares together.

                                                                    Close up of flower 

The finished product

Gemma's Quilt

^ all finished

Closer shot

Before flowers

 front/back

The start and the flowers before I attach!

So GiGi bought the materials of the colors I wanted for the girls.  Lately I've been really craving things to do with my hands.  I wanted to sew and I wanted to crochet.  E's mom bought the material before the girls were born.  She had idea's of making this quilt herself.  But with the way things have gone with working and the what nots she wasnt able to work on it yet.  So she instead gave the material to me since I was in desperate need of a project!  Thanks to GiGi I have one quilt done and one to go!

The twins

I should have known from the beginning something was very different.  I can blame that on pregnancy brain.  But it shouldnt have been as a surprise when the tech told us we were expecting two instead of one.  It made complete sense the way I felt with my body.  I feel silly for not having figured this out sooner!  When you are nearing the end of a pregnancy you just feel it in your body.  Not only are you ready to start this life with your new borns but you feel it in your body too.  I felt that way about half way through carrying the twins.  It was hard on me.  I felt so tired, it was a lot of work for me to take a shower!  Now that I have had the girls I wish I could have kept them cooking a little longer.  But my body was giving out on me and said I had to have them when I did.

I say that I wished that they had cooked longer, just because of the scares I had with them with there reflux breathing issues in the beginning.  I was scared of losing them it was something I was not prepared for.  But the girls are fighters and over came there breathing issues!

I am now days away from the girls turning 10 months old!  They are such a joy to watch grow.  People still ask if they are identical or fraternal, to me and there daddy its so clear that they are not identical.  But I suppose if you were around them more then a day you would begin to notice that too.

Having twins, well I still feel the same as I did when they first came home. I just have to do everything twice, which means It takes me twice as long to do anything with them then it would with just one.  I love finding them off playing or even looking for me to be in the same room as me.  I am not sure if I am ready for them to start there walking.  But im also looking forward to seeing what it brings!

Im to scared to go out alone with all of the kids.  The most I do is walk to pick Ryu up from his school. I have Hailey pushing Clara in a stroller and me pushing the twins in there stroller.  I know for awhile it will be even harder with them even more curious when they start walking.  It maybe in between the ages of 2-3 that I know that they will listen and not run off at the first sight of something interesting.  I cant even do a doctors visit by myself.  You know those rooms are to small to fit all 5 kids in a room.  Plus I could not carry the twins I'd have to have them and Clara in a stroller, which means even less room in the patient room at Doctors office.  So im so grateful that I have a husband that is there for me in the things I cant do alone!

Clara

Clara, I love her little personality. She is much more of a handful then my bigger two were at her age.  But I love that about her.  I love seeing her phases.  When she started to be more loving.  Giving hugs and kisses saying "aww".  She started noticing her baby sisters, giving them hugs or even pulling "no no's " out of there mouths and putting bottles or sippy's in there mouth!  She cracks me up when you pull her arm up to tickle and then when you stop she puts her arm back up so you can tickle her again!

Since switching her from crib to toddler bed, I have never been good at doing her afternoon naps.  She would never stop her pace to lay down to take one.  So she takes her naps with mommy.  Sometimes she is just tired to where she takes me by the hand to the bed and we lay together until she falls asleep.  Other days all I have to do is hum to her the ABC's and she falls straight to sleep.  I adore nap times with her.

Every once in awhile she gets sat in a high chair and every time after she finishes I am happy to have her at the table.  She can gets so messy!  Food all over her face hands chest and hair!!!  Although she makes a mess on the table and the floor its no where near what the mess she gives in a high chair.

I feel so blessed that she looks so much like her daddy.  I cant get over how beautiful she is because of her mirror image of her daddy.  She doesnt know it yet.  But she holds the key to her daddy's heart.  He adores her.  He does so much to help me raise her.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that he is real.  That this is what a daddy is suppose to be.  I didnt get to have the help I do with her with my big two kids and I didnt get that from my own Dad or Step Dad's.  (not that they were bad dad's)