I at one time in my life thought I had a fairy tale. There was so much I couldnt say words that wouldnt come from out of my lips. But so much you could read and just know from my eyes. But even that can not be enough. I had such standards a structured idea of what kind of fairy tale Prince Charming I wanted. I didnt want a guy that smoked or dipped or drank and someone that didnt expect sex. Sex frightened me. So I just made sure each guy understand it wasnt going to happen dont try dont think about it because the only way it will happen is to be married. When my very first fairy tale ended, I was left complete broken. I didnt care about anything anymore. My ideal knight and shinning armor erased what good would that kind of person do me. Those things you read are just stories there not real and I should find someone that im content with someone that has some good and someone who's bad things they do I can tolerate. It took me years to realize that I was content but I wasnt happy. I tolerated things and I realized the person I was would never tolerate those things.
How do you know, and how can you deal with a loss of a relationship? I cant really give you that answer. For me I realize I have now been in 3 serious relationships. 2 of them I strongly felt like at first I was a prize. ( I have never seen me that way) for one of them I was a trophy I had the car, I worked full time, made my own money, I was in college I didnt depend on others. I had standards of the guy I wanted and they showed me that guy. They became that guy, that guy they were is who I thought they were...until it became to hard to be that guy. The person they were before me, well certain things came into there paths that brought the temptation of the old ways back, frankly the way I saw it they missed the old them. I cant say they broke our relationship apart. There were things I didnt do too. I had the hardest time communicating. I am not sure if my first fairy tale was because we were to young. I didnt know how to say things. I sometimes didnt even understand where my hurt was coming from until much later. And I will never forget E asking me mom what was it that "she saw in him" my mom told him that it wasnt what she saw in him, its what he saw in her. (he told me about this later I was present when they had this conversation).
What I learned is I needed to smile. I didnt need someone to need me or love me. I needed to laugh. I needed to make new and happy memories. I needed a friend. I needed someone to work on me and listen to my life stories. I needed to be selfish and have someone hold me when I cried, someone to be strong when I couldnt be the strong one anymore. I stopped looking for love and just looked for someone to talk to to pass the time by and for me to heal for me to rediscover who I was. As someone use to tell me I needed to spread my wings and learn to fly again.
Ethan was just that person. Sure I cant deny I had a lot of guys I talked to but they all wanted what every guy wants ya know sex haha. I didnt care though I still talked to them even though they were never gonna get that from me. So here I was crying, laughing, and smiling. No this wasnt the smile that you perfect for pictures. It was a real smile. If you werent looking how my lips were you'd see the smile in my eyes. I got to know Ethan for who he was. I knew everything there was to know about him before we really started our relationship. So the good the bad I knew and he knew those of mine. So when it came to being in a relationship it wasnt hard to communicate. Well things were hard to tell him more like admitting it myself was hard. But I never hesitating telling them. He knew from the get go how important it was to me for him to be him no changing. Which was as it turns out something kind of important to him too. He had some past relationships where the girls he dated didnt like certain things he did. Like he had a girl who had him wear preppy clothes, to having his hair/facial a certain way. In some way or another he couldnt exactly let lose be comfortable with who he was with the past girlfriends.
So for me, that person that was it for me, was someone who loved me for me and someone that I could talk to about anything even if I knew it would hurt them I could still talk to them about it. Plus for me I needed to be so important to them, bc honestly I am pretty bad about caring about myself. (SN what I mean is like on xmas eve I had a spider bite and I just wanted to plant my feet and not go to the ER but he made E made me go, it bothered him that I didnt care about myself enough to go and honestly I am so glad we ended up going). No changing for him or for me. At least the changing was not going to be because of me it has to be because its something they wanted.
Ok enough love talk!
Ethan was just that person. Sure I cant deny I had a lot of guys I talked to but they all wanted what every guy wants ya know sex haha. I didnt care though I still talked to them even though they were never gonna get that from me. So here I was crying, laughing, and smiling. No this wasnt the smile that you perfect for pictures. It was a real smile. If you werent looking how my lips were you'd see the smile in my eyes. I got to know Ethan for who he was. I knew everything there was to know about him before we really started our relationship. So the good the bad I knew and he knew those of mine. So when it came to being in a relationship it wasnt hard to communicate. Well things were hard to tell him more like admitting it myself was hard. But I never hesitating telling them. He knew from the get go how important it was to me for him to be him no changing. Which was as it turns out something kind of important to him too. He had some past relationships where the girls he dated didnt like certain things he did. Like he had a girl who had him wear preppy clothes, to having his hair/facial a certain way. In some way or another he couldnt exactly let lose be comfortable with who he was with the past girlfriends.
So for me, that person that was it for me, was someone who loved me for me and someone that I could talk to about anything even if I knew it would hurt them I could still talk to them about it. Plus for me I needed to be so important to them, bc honestly I am pretty bad about caring about myself. (SN what I mean is like on xmas eve I had a spider bite and I just wanted to plant my feet and not go to the ER but he made E made me go, it bothered him that I didnt care about myself enough to go and honestly I am so glad we ended up going). No changing for him or for me. At least the changing was not going to be because of me it has to be because its something they wanted.
Ok enough love talk!
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